Dear Reader, (Well of mental support...)
time to get serious...
Plan for 2011 has to get in gear, and my goal for 2011 is the ultimate in Marathon goals for an age group runner.
I will qualify for the Boston Marathon in October 2011.
How am I going to do this? Well that I am not sure about.....
I have to date run 5 Marathons, (Not including one during Ironman Canada a couple months ago); My fastest Marathon so far is 3:52:24, translating to a 5:30 minute km for the whole run, I did this at the BMO Vancouver Marathon in 2009 at 30 years old. My fastest 10k to date is in the Vancouver Sun-Run finishing in a time of 47 minutes and 24 seconds, translating into 4:44 per km, and it felt like an easy run...
It is because of these performances that I am sure I can do this. My qualifying time for the Boston Marathon is 3:10:00, this translates to a 4:30 minute km for 42.2 kilometers, or 14 seconds per kilometer faster than my fasest 10 k, self trained with with two months of speed work, and a marathon distance build.
I am putting this out there for my sake as much as anyone that reads. I believe that saying your intentions is the way to completing them, and this is my Statement:
On October 9th 2011, I will run a marathon in under 3:10:59, to qualify for the Boston Marathon at 33 Years old.
Ray Miller
Race4MS - Running for my life-Race4Boston
To be continued.....
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Reflections on remembrance
I don't know where I learned or started to believe this, but I believe in the humanity of all people, regardless of the circumstance. This week I am going to read a lot of stories, of history and remembrance. Some of those stories will thank the heavens and god, some will criticize short sighted politicians, and hatred. Many will blame somebody for causing hurt. All will tell a story.
I think about the human story. Imagine a place where you are doing unspeakable things to people, things that must have gave nightmares and sleepless nights to the people who committed them. This is a Thought for them, for the 19 year old solder who was directly responsible for the ending of a life, for the officer who gives the order, and all the way up the line to the leader and the goal they aspire to.
The tragedy I see and feel most right now...is for the person (and they are all persons) who sees another person, or culture, or race, as so alien to their own, that they deserve not to be there anymore. That the story they were taught missed so many lessons, and so much love ....Is that a complaint as simple as "you hurt me" gets blown so far out of proportion muffled by the words evil, and drowned out by anger leads to so much pain for so many people, that any of it can be seen as justified.
The conversation ends, and so does the lesson, and understanding is the victim.
As many as 78 million people died during WWII, number that we hear the most is 6, but there is a story behind every one.
We need to see ourselves in the stories we hear from both sides to truly understand them. I feel sad for the bombers who dropped the bombs, for the solders who pulled the triggers, for the people on the ground, and the people walking to their knowing ends, I feel sad for person pulling the switch, the horror that they live with, or emptiness that you would need to feel to live with a clear conscience after any of those acts. These are the cultural tragedies. They deserve our understanding, and solemn responsibilities to not let these things happen again. We need to remember that the story does not start with a trigger, and it does not end.
This is our world, and we need to respect that it did not start with us, nor will it end with us.
I think about the human story. Imagine a place where you are doing unspeakable things to people, things that must have gave nightmares and sleepless nights to the people who committed them. This is a Thought for them, for the 19 year old solder who was directly responsible for the ending of a life, for the officer who gives the order, and all the way up the line to the leader and the goal they aspire to.
The tragedy I see and feel most right now...is for the person (and they are all persons) who sees another person, or culture, or race, as so alien to their own, that they deserve not to be there anymore. That the story they were taught missed so many lessons, and so much love ....Is that a complaint as simple as "you hurt me" gets blown so far out of proportion muffled by the words evil, and drowned out by anger leads to so much pain for so many people, that any of it can be seen as justified.
The conversation ends, and so does the lesson, and understanding is the victim.
As many as 78 million people died during WWII, number that we hear the most is 6, but there is a story behind every one.
We need to see ourselves in the stories we hear from both sides to truly understand them. I feel sad for the bombers who dropped the bombs, for the solders who pulled the triggers, for the people on the ground, and the people walking to their knowing ends, I feel sad for person pulling the switch, the horror that they live with, or emptiness that you would need to feel to live with a clear conscience after any of those acts. These are the cultural tragedies. They deserve our understanding, and solemn responsibilities to not let these things happen again. We need to remember that the story does not start with a trigger, and it does not end.
This is our world, and we need to respect that it did not start with us, nor will it end with us.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Post Marathon Ramblings-Goodlife Victoria Marathon 2010
This weekend was a lot of fun, I got to visit Victoria, run through all of my old neighborhoods, and relive some of the memories from my four years of life on the Island.
I miss Vancouver Island sometimes, I have a lot f memories there. Late nights a Alzus after partying on the town, and oh o many nights of Karaoke at Sopranos. I don't regret any of the time I lived there though I am glad I don't live there anymore.
This last weekend I was registered to run the Goodlife Fitness Victoria Marathon. Ironman drives people to do crazy things, so a Marathon 5 weeks after IMC does not seem too far out there.
The weekend started early, really early.I am from the sunshine coast, and am used to taking the ferry to get around. There is something distasteful about paying a reservation fee to get on the ferry for me, so I have never done it to this day. So we got up at 4:30 am to get to the 6:20 am ferry to Naniamo. The plan was to drive down the island and have an easy afternoon around town. We got to the ferry at 5:50 am, as the ferry was about 80% full for the sailing. 10 minutes later that sailing was full (I may have to re-examine my reservation....reservations at some point if I am ever in a hurry) and we settled in for a trip across the water. The weather sucked...like rally sucked, rain and wind. I just had to have faith that he weather report for the next day was right and we were not to be drowned. Race package pickup was cool, I always see things that I want, but of course never buy and a great evening before turning in for the night.
Race Day:
The thing about a race like a Marathon is that you have to plan how you want to run it a long way out, you can ave great performances on race day, but even those come down to training. If you train for a 4:40 Marathon it is entirely possible to run a 4:25 Marathon by pushing harder and feeling little more pain but not a 4:00 Marathon. My training this summer was all geared to a slow, easy pace marathon because I was planning to Swim 2.4 Miles, and Bike 113 mils before my marathon. My body is conditioned to run that easy pace, the problem with that is I can still run much faster, and with fast runners al around it is easy to get egged on, even if I am making a conscious effort to watch my pace.
The morning started easy, I walked down and watched the early start, then the Half Marathon and 8 k starts as well. I walked around the inner Harbour and soaked in everything, there is such a buzz at the start line. Everyone should see it once. Eventually I lined up in my area, I had been telling myself since Ironman that the plan was to recreate the run from IMC, 4:30 Marathon, with no issues feeling good the whole way. I don't think I ever believed it though, I had my gels, Water, electrolyte Tabs...
Gun went off and I began my shuffle to the start line, from there it all becomes a blur. I followed my plan again, Gel, and Electrolyte alternating every 15 minutes. The run started off really good, Lookingat my pace I was running 5:40-6:00 per Km. Right on my target pace (But I decided not to stop for walk breaks...) I held my easy pace all the way to Becon Hill Park, and through to Dallas Rd. The packs started to break up and by 10 k there was lots of room, the fast guys were being fast, and the slower runners were doing there thing. At 10k I looked t the watch, and realized that I may be going a little fast, 10k #1 ook me about 55 minutes, which is about 7 or 8 minutes faster than plan. I was feeling good so I eased up the pace just a little (or thought I did and continued on. the next thing I remember I am out in Oak Bay coming up on the half way mark, and I realize that my right Hamstring, and Glute (Butt) are getting tight. I finished he first half in 1:57 which is 15 minutes faster than goal pace Feels good, but I have been here before in a different race but I stay positive and see what happens.
Within another 5 k I know something is not right, my leg is seizing up slowly and my heart rate which I had been monitoring (Unsuccessfully) was high..Too High.. at 28k I had to face reality, I am not going for a pb, and this is not the run I planned, this was becoming the Marathon that I fear, the one where all movement becomes a pain, and everything is a struggle. I stopped and walked, I switched over to 10 & 1's to see if I could save any endurance for the finish line. Eventually I started playing Tag, Marathon Style. That is where I run to catch up to a slower runner then walk or a bit. Soon Nik from the Running Room caught up with me. He was in pain too, so we got to commiserate about that, I would run ahead, then he would catch up while I was walking That proved a great way to finish the last 12k Walk...Run.......Walk...........Run.... It went on this way for a while with lots of positive motivation going both ways.
The finish line is the part of the race that we all dream about. The finish line is what I visualize while I train, then it is the training I visualize while I race. The two feed each other I incorporate lessons from racing in my training, and vice versa. I realized that this finish line was not like most lines for me, this i my Third Victoria Marathon, I have cracked 4 hours on this course, and I had nothing to prove, This one was for the experience, all for me.
The next thing I know I am looking at the finish line, I am close, do I run???....No, I stop 100 feet from the line, looked for my friends then promptly danced my way to the finish line.
Final finish time 4:13:58
Sometimes a best time is more than just a fast time, This was one of my most fun Marathons
I miss Vancouver Island sometimes, I have a lot f memories there. Late nights a Alzus after partying on the town, and oh o many nights of Karaoke at Sopranos. I don't regret any of the time I lived there though I am glad I don't live there anymore.
This last weekend I was registered to run the Goodlife Fitness Victoria Marathon. Ironman drives people to do crazy things, so a Marathon 5 weeks after IMC does not seem too far out there.
The weekend started early, really early.I am from the sunshine coast, and am used to taking the ferry to get around. There is something distasteful about paying a reservation fee to get on the ferry for me, so I have never done it to this day. So we got up at 4:30 am to get to the 6:20 am ferry to Naniamo. The plan was to drive down the island and have an easy afternoon around town. We got to the ferry at 5:50 am, as the ferry was about 80% full for the sailing. 10 minutes later that sailing was full (I may have to re-examine my reservation....reservations at some point if I am ever in a hurry) and we settled in for a trip across the water. The weather sucked...like rally sucked, rain and wind. I just had to have faith that he weather report for the next day was right and we were not to be drowned. Race package pickup was cool, I always see things that I want, but of course never buy and a great evening before turning in for the night.
Race Day:
The thing about a race like a Marathon is that you have to plan how you want to run it a long way out, you can ave great performances on race day, but even those come down to training. If you train for a 4:40 Marathon it is entirely possible to run a 4:25 Marathon by pushing harder and feeling little more pain but not a 4:00 Marathon. My training this summer was all geared to a slow, easy pace marathon because I was planning to Swim 2.4 Miles, and Bike 113 mils before my marathon. My body is conditioned to run that easy pace, the problem with that is I can still run much faster, and with fast runners al around it is easy to get egged on, even if I am making a conscious effort to watch my pace.
The morning started easy, I walked down and watched the early start, then the Half Marathon and 8 k starts as well. I walked around the inner Harbour and soaked in everything, there is such a buzz at the start line. Everyone should see it once. Eventually I lined up in my area, I had been telling myself since Ironman that the plan was to recreate the run from IMC, 4:30 Marathon, with no issues feeling good the whole way. I don't think I ever believed it though, I had my gels, Water, electrolyte Tabs...
Gun went off and I began my shuffle to the start line, from there it all becomes a blur. I followed my plan again, Gel, and Electrolyte alternating every 15 minutes. The run started off really good, Lookingat my pace I was running 5:40-6:00 per Km. Right on my target pace (But I decided not to stop for walk breaks...) I held my easy pace all the way to Becon Hill Park, and through to Dallas Rd. The packs started to break up and by 10 k there was lots of room, the fast guys were being fast, and the slower runners were doing there thing. At 10k I looked t the watch, and realized that I may be going a little fast, 10k #1 ook me about 55 minutes, which is about 7 or 8 minutes faster than plan. I was feeling good so I eased up the pace just a little (or thought I did and continued on. the next thing I remember I am out in Oak Bay coming up on the half way mark, and I realize that my right Hamstring, and Glute (Butt) are getting tight. I finished he first half in 1:57 which is 15 minutes faster than goal pace Feels good, but I have been here before in a different race but I stay positive and see what happens.
Within another 5 k I know something is not right, my leg is seizing up slowly and my heart rate which I had been monitoring (Unsuccessfully) was high..Too High.. at 28k I had to face reality, I am not going for a pb, and this is not the run I planned, this was becoming the Marathon that I fear, the one where all movement becomes a pain, and everything is a struggle. I stopped and walked, I switched over to 10 & 1's to see if I could save any endurance for the finish line. Eventually I started playing Tag, Marathon Style. That is where I run to catch up to a slower runner then walk or a bit. Soon Nik from the Running Room caught up with me. He was in pain too, so we got to commiserate about that, I would run ahead, then he would catch up while I was walking That proved a great way to finish the last 12k Walk...Run.......Walk...........Run.... It went on this way for a while with lots of positive motivation going both ways.
The finish line is the part of the race that we all dream about. The finish line is what I visualize while I train, then it is the training I visualize while I race. The two feed each other I incorporate lessons from racing in my training, and vice versa. I realized that this finish line was not like most lines for me, this i my Third Victoria Marathon, I have cracked 4 hours on this course, and I had nothing to prove, This one was for the experience, all for me.
The next thing I know I am looking at the finish line, I am close, do I run???....No, I stop 100 feet from the line, looked for my friends then promptly danced my way to the finish line.
Final finish time 4:13:58
Sometimes a best time is more than just a fast time, This was one of my most fun Marathons
2005-01-08 - From my journal
This in n excerpt from My journal on January 1st 2005. I took my computer with me on a long walk around Victoria, It had snowed the day before, and it was cold.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
...So here I am sitting at a bench in a mocha house at fisherman’s wharf...I have had some profound thoughts... or at least to me they where
Take this poem if I can remember it.
Evergreen nestled on a hill.
Surrounded by buildings,
Surrounded by snow,
But evergreen still.
I find wireless networks here....pay as you go how weird is that....they all ready have a corner on the market for internet here....all pay as you go....ahh well they cant charge me to use my computer....this internal dialog is getting stronger in me...I see something and I have an opinion about it....not a firm one but there is an opinion.
..Hmm maybe I need to walk some more
Need a better place to sit then this. Moving on...to the next place...let’s see how much walking I can do today…
The break water is such an awesome sight when the waves are rolling in. the way they crash and send water flying everywhere...but somehow I walk through them knowing on my mind that they will not touch me...I stand in the shelter from the wind at the end and just sit and watch the waves roll by....what an awesome sight....how much power in such a benign appearance.....after the last couple weeks I have a far greater appreciation for waves....well the man says that is ten to twelve...time for lunch. What a beautifully cold day....like the feeling after saying something hurtful so someone you love....maybe even colder than that.
“I’ll have the new England clam chowder” he said over the hum of the wind....it was a cold day....a cold winters day. It had snowed the day before and people where weary of gonig out in the snow...heck this is Victoria it does not snow here. But yesterday it did. And did it ever snow...leaving a mess of slush and ice behind. I notice a dent in a car as I see another car sliding in the parking lot. All the while I am hearing the people behind me talking about the issues of today and tomorrow. Hot air ballooning and Cadillac escalades. Of hopes and dreams....why write about them they sound old and dead...but I am feeling old and dead myself these days...I need a reason to keep going. Even if it is just to go for a walk. The Pilot Boat has powered up...no doubt to leave a pilot in the wheel house of some transport ship entering the straight....I am getting a chill now...but it was a good sandwich...maybe I should have tried the clam chowder too.....maybe next time.
On my walk continued. I walked sown Dallas road to cook st....the whole scene was just magic...everywhere I looked I saw things. I have seen them before but this time it was different for some reason...I walked past the place I took Amy all those years ago. I remembered us sitting on my sleeping bag drinking hot tea and looking up at the stars. We talked about things and life and what we wanted...that makes me feel warm again. Some things you can take with you and remember that it was not always so bad. I walked past all that and it was almost like saying good bye to the past I had lived there...not to the area but the emotions attached to it....I think I will walk that path again some day but not for a while. I remembered walking, make that trying to jog with Melanie past the Vic to Maui starting line and I walked that path many times on my own while I was living on Thurlow st. with Kirby. I thought about a lot of things today but most of them had faded by the time I was back in town. I logged on to the internet at serious coffee after buying a “Wi-Fi” detector that I probably could not afford. But I own it now anyway. Now I sit here on my bed listening to some sweet blues and relaxing before I have to go back to bed for work tonight. I have to decide some things regarding this band....Now. I can’t let them keep thinking that I am going to be here to play with them. I can’t live like this forever. It is kind of relaxing but there is no direction here for me....Nothing I want to strive for....
I can see the attraction Tree has for her blog. I am writing things and my thoughts are easier to understand after a while of writing about them...I do need a digital camera though...My 35mm is a good camera and all. But I don’t use it enough. I can sell it and buy a digital cam...see where that gets me. It was a long walk today. And I didn’t spend my day on the couch...that always makes me feel good about my day...I still wish there was something constructive I could have done with it today too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Race4MS-Running for my Life (Taken from Facebook)
Why am I doing this?? That is a huge question for me, The training and racing for this year has been difficult to say the least, and even more, why am I putting this out in such a public way? as an MS Patient I am still very early stages, and if you meet me on the street, there is no reason that you would think me different, except an aversion to alcohol, and coffee... Why am I telling the world that I Have MS? Multiple sclerosis is part of my life, this is a condition that has and will continue to affect every relationship I have for the rest of my life, from my career(s), to family, and friends and co-workers. There are a lot of things that go along with this condition from the self doubt, right through the instant judgments that are made when you explain what MS is, to looking an employer in the eye and telling them that you will make a productive employee, and that it is worth it to them to invest the time and money to make you a part of their team. I don't know what this will be like for me in years to come, but I know more than most, and that knowledge is going to force me to test my limits every day until I find them.
When I got into running in 2006 I was fortunate to find some great help in CMS Coaching with Tara-Lee Marshal, and Sean Clark. With their help I quickly got faster and more fit, I was training for longer and longer distances. I also found that my symptoms which were mild decreased as my training gained consistency. By August 2009 I was already determined to run Ironman Canada in 2010, and the Rona MS Bike Tour I mentioned it to one of the MS Society Staff Members that maybe I should run a small fundraiser for my racing season. Through her, I started an endMS.ca account and started talking to people more....and more. I realized very quickly as I started talking to people who were not involved or knew somebody who had MS but only a little, that the people I met knew very little about what this condition is, and the range of abilities that we maintain, variation that each of us has in the many ways that we can deal with it. The first thing that I hear when I tell someone that I have MS is "You look fine...", and the second thing I hear is "does running so much make your condition worse?...", and the third thing I hear is "I could never do anything like that..." The truth is, if you asked me four years ago, or even eight years ago, I would have said the last one myself. This journey I am on has many steps, and for me they have been a lot of little steps from the first step on a treadmill, to the first start line at a 10k race, each step I felt was a success, each step was a first, and I never imagined the next step at the time, they just seemed logical when I took them. I honestly believe that anyone can complete a 10k, Half Marathon, or Marathon...all it took for me was telling myself that I will do it, and that my best is not only good enough, but a minimum requirement.
My goal in running Ironman Canada is not to be first at anything, I want you, who is reading right now to realize that the ability to enjoy your body is one of the most precious gifts that you were born with, use it well, or one day you will wish you did. I was given fair warning, and I have changed my life because of it.
MS Stops People from Moving, I exist to prove that it will not stop me.
Please help end MS for good.
Ray
Why am I doing this?? That is a huge question for me, The training and racing for this year has been difficult to say the least, and even more, why am I putting this out in such a public way? as an MS Patient I am still very early stages, and if you meet me on the street, there is no reason that you would think me different, except an aversion to alcohol, and coffee... Why am I telling the world that I Have MS? Multiple sclerosis is part of my life, this is a condition that has and will continue to affect every relationship I have for the rest of my life, from my career(s), to family, and friends and co-workers. There are a lot of things that go along with this condition from the self doubt, right through the instant judgments that are made when you explain what MS is, to looking an employer in the eye and telling them that you will make a productive employee, and that it is worth it to them to invest the time and money to make you a part of their team. I don't know what this will be like for me in years to come, but I know more than most, and that knowledge is going to force me to test my limits every day until I find them.
When I got into running in 2006 I was fortunate to find some great help in CMS Coaching with Tara-Lee Marshal, and Sean Clark. With their help I quickly got faster and more fit, I was training for longer and longer distances. I also found that my symptoms which were mild decreased as my training gained consistency. By August 2009 I was already determined to run Ironman Canada in 2010, and the Rona MS Bike Tour I mentioned it to one of the MS Society Staff Members that maybe I should run a small fundraiser for my racing season. Through her, I started an endMS.ca account and started talking to people more....and more. I realized very quickly as I started talking to people who were not involved or knew somebody who had MS but only a little, that the people I met knew very little about what this condition is, and the range of abilities that we maintain, variation that each of us has in the many ways that we can deal with it. The first thing that I hear when I tell someone that I have MS is "You look fine...", and the second thing I hear is "does running so much make your condition worse?...", and the third thing I hear is "I could never do anything like that..." The truth is, if you asked me four years ago, or even eight years ago, I would have said the last one myself. This journey I am on has many steps, and for me they have been a lot of little steps from the first step on a treadmill, to the first start line at a 10k race, each step I felt was a success, each step was a first, and I never imagined the next step at the time, they just seemed logical when I took them. I honestly believe that anyone can complete a 10k, Half Marathon, or Marathon...all it took for me was telling myself that I will do it, and that my best is not only good enough, but a minimum requirement.
My goal in running Ironman Canada is not to be first at anything, I want you, who is reading right now to realize that the ability to enjoy your body is one of the most precious gifts that you were born with, use it well, or one day you will wish you did. I was given fair warning, and I have changed my life because of it.
MS Stops People from Moving, I exist to prove that it will not stop me.
Please help end MS for good.
Ray
Remember Remember the 5th of November
Race4MS-Running for my Life (Previously Posted on Facebook)
I am always asked if my training makes my condition worse, and my stock answer has been as of right now, it does not; in fact I believe that it makes me feel better. but I guess a part of me really can't confirm that. The only time I have really felt strong MS Symptoms in the last 5 years has been when my training volume has been low, so I suspect that there must be a connection, but I really don't know what it is.
I have a secondary condition called Non Kinetic Paroxysmal dyskinesia. That is really just a complex way of saying that during my last two MS Attacks, I have been rocked by frequent, and very painful muscle Spasms which affect only one side of my body. To call these muscle Spasms is really an understatement. What actually happens is every muscle in the side of my body has contracted, or flexed as hard as it could against whatever the opposing muscle was doing (In this case pulling back) this condition is also genetic, and is most commonly found in people with brain disorders of various kinds, including MS.
This is also the condition that was the obvious sign that something was wrong when I was originally diagnosed (I know what you are thinking...How do you get from a symptom that could be anything, to an MS Diagnosis) Well, in the 3-4 months from when I started having these attacks, I saw lots and lots of Doctors who asked those same questions.
From Walk in Clinics to Emergency Rooms, it took a lot of visits before anyone started cluing in about where this was going. I was otherwise healthy, and nobody could find anything wrong with me beyond that I would get these spasms 20 or 30 times a day... Eventually I climbed the ladder of Doctors till I got in to see an Internist (Someone who knows lots about weird stuff...Like House or something) I sat down in his office and began to describe what had been happening to me, as I was talking to him, I began to feel one coming on, (Imagine feeling like you need to sneeze... in your arm...) and proceeded to have a full on muscle spasm in front of him in his office with every muscle on the left side of my body from my neck to my toes flexing like I was trying to lift a car. At that point he said, "I don't know what this is....but I know it must be in your brain", and promptly referred me to a Neurologist (The kind of Doctor that you should book months in advance if you want to see them...this was so weird that I had an appointment in less than two weeks...Sometimes a Curse, and a blessing to be interesting...and yes I did buy a Lotto Ticket that week)
I met Dr Neuro two weeks later, and by this time my symptoms had stopped...Just like that knock in your car that the Mechanic can not not find.. Thankfully in the previous 4 months I had descriptions on my file following me around that had described in detail the tests that I had been given in the Various ER's and Clinics (Side note...Always follow up with your doctor for results...They will not call you for Negative tests because for some reason if you do not have what they were testing you for...Then it must be nothing...and then get distracted like lost kittens until you come back) This Neuro had figured that I was not going away after bi-weekly doctors visits for 3 months or so. He started testing me for lots of things, CT Scans for strokes, blood tests for Wilson's Disease (The one that turns me into a Volleyball??) they checked for electrolytes, and EKG for Heart Attacks, I am sure he even checked me for Mono. At the end of that, he started along the MS Route...Without really telling me at first.
I was sent for an MRI, and the results of that meant that he was on the right thought process... this was Mid August, and I was freaked, and calm by this point and had every possibility running through my head. After the MRI the Neuro told me his thoughts, he Suspected MS, and that he would do two more tests to confirm, including an Evoked Potentials Test (Plug in the brain, and look for activity....Does not know me well enough to know that he would be looking for a while..) and a Spinal Tap to check for a Protein that is produced in the spinal fluid when there is Myelin damage happening.
The Evoked Potentials test happened really quickly and was almost a non event, they put electrodes all over my skull, flashed lights in various patterns, and poked my feet and hands looking for signals. This test was non conclusive which is a scary thought...but not reason for concern just yet.
The Spinal tap took a while because you had to book a room, and it take a little more coordination with the Hospital. It was interesting, I knew my Parents were now really concerned because they came over to the Island to be with me for the procedure. They laid me out on the bed, and froze the area. I felt a short pinch and stayed deadly still till the doctor was done. After that I had to lay still for another 2 hours on penalty of the worst headache ever if I moved.
For a month I sat and waited, I got back into my routine...work sleep...eat..., and tried as hard as I could not to think about my next appointment. I don't remember the exact date except that I know it was the first week of November, I sat down in his Office, sitting on the edge of the bed and my emotions were all over the place. He asked how I was doing, and I told him that my brain had been spinning for the last month, As hard as I tried to think of anything else, all I could think about was this. The Dr looked at me, and told me, that my Spinal Tap Test had come back positive for the proteins that they were looking for, that even though my evoked potentials test had come back inconclusive, the MRI and Spinal Tap were enough to give me a positive diagnosis. "At this point there is enough evidence you me to say that you have MS" I don't remember anything that was said after that, I walked out of his office alternating between tears, and calm. I had reviewed this possibility in my mind for three months by this point, but there was a small part of me holding on that this was temporary, that I would get past this. That part was now crushed, in my mind I was in a wheelchair, my career was over, and any plans I had for family, for growth, for me, was over, No more trying to get into the Saanich Fire Department, or Police Department... I was now a ghost, a Non-event and future dependent on a society that will judge me by the level of productivity my short career could allow me to provide. There are highs and lows in life, and this was definitely a low.
--------------
Odd that this poem makes me think of this period of my life. and still brings back such strong memories for me...I share this now not to make you sad, but to understand.... that some questions don't really matter to me any more... I have moved past this, but I have carried it, and will continue to.
Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot....
I am always asked if my training makes my condition worse, and my stock answer has been as of right now, it does not; in fact I believe that it makes me feel better. but I guess I can't really confirm any connection. I know it does not make me worse, and for now that belief is more important than anything else.
I am always asked if my training makes my condition worse, and my stock answer has been as of right now, it does not; in fact I believe that it makes me feel better. but I guess a part of me really can't confirm that. The only time I have really felt strong MS Symptoms in the last 5 years has been when my training volume has been low, so I suspect that there must be a connection, but I really don't know what it is.
I have a secondary condition called Non Kinetic Paroxysmal dyskinesia. That is really just a complex way of saying that during my last two MS Attacks, I have been rocked by frequent, and very painful muscle Spasms which affect only one side of my body. To call these muscle Spasms is really an understatement. What actually happens is every muscle in the side of my body has contracted, or flexed as hard as it could against whatever the opposing muscle was doing (In this case pulling back) this condition is also genetic, and is most commonly found in people with brain disorders of various kinds, including MS.
This is also the condition that was the obvious sign that something was wrong when I was originally diagnosed (I know what you are thinking...How do you get from a symptom that could be anything, to an MS Diagnosis) Well, in the 3-4 months from when I started having these attacks, I saw lots and lots of Doctors who asked those same questions.
From Walk in Clinics to Emergency Rooms, it took a lot of visits before anyone started cluing in about where this was going. I was otherwise healthy, and nobody could find anything wrong with me beyond that I would get these spasms 20 or 30 times a day... Eventually I climbed the ladder of Doctors till I got in to see an Internist (Someone who knows lots about weird stuff...Like House or something) I sat down in his office and began to describe what had been happening to me, as I was talking to him, I began to feel one coming on, (Imagine feeling like you need to sneeze... in your arm...) and proceeded to have a full on muscle spasm in front of him in his office with every muscle on the left side of my body from my neck to my toes flexing like I was trying to lift a car. At that point he said, "I don't know what this is....but I know it must be in your brain", and promptly referred me to a Neurologist (The kind of Doctor that you should book months in advance if you want to see them...this was so weird that I had an appointment in less than two weeks...Sometimes a Curse, and a blessing to be interesting...and yes I did buy a Lotto Ticket that week)
I met Dr Neuro two weeks later, and by this time my symptoms had stopped...Just like that knock in your car that the Mechanic can not not find.. Thankfully in the previous 4 months I had descriptions on my file following me around that had described in detail the tests that I had been given in the Various ER's and Clinics (Side note...Always follow up with your doctor for results...They will not call you for Negative tests because for some reason if you do not have what they were testing you for...Then it must be nothing...and then get distracted like lost kittens until you come back) This Neuro had figured that I was not going away after bi-weekly doctors visits for 3 months or so. He started testing me for lots of things, CT Scans for strokes, blood tests for Wilson's Disease (The one that turns me into a Volleyball??) they checked for electrolytes, and EKG for Heart Attacks, I am sure he even checked me for Mono. At the end of that, he started along the MS Route...Without really telling me at first.
I was sent for an MRI, and the results of that meant that he was on the right thought process... this was Mid August, and I was freaked, and calm by this point and had every possibility running through my head. After the MRI the Neuro told me his thoughts, he Suspected MS, and that he would do two more tests to confirm, including an Evoked Potentials Test (Plug in the brain, and look for activity....Does not know me well enough to know that he would be looking for a while..) and a Spinal Tap to check for a Protein that is produced in the spinal fluid when there is Myelin damage happening.
The Evoked Potentials test happened really quickly and was almost a non event, they put electrodes all over my skull, flashed lights in various patterns, and poked my feet and hands looking for signals. This test was non conclusive which is a scary thought...but not reason for concern just yet.
The Spinal tap took a while because you had to book a room, and it take a little more coordination with the Hospital. It was interesting, I knew my Parents were now really concerned because they came over to the Island to be with me for the procedure. They laid me out on the bed, and froze the area. I felt a short pinch and stayed deadly still till the doctor was done. After that I had to lay still for another 2 hours on penalty of the worst headache ever if I moved.
For a month I sat and waited, I got back into my routine...work sleep...eat..., and tried as hard as I could not to think about my next appointment. I don't remember the exact date except that I know it was the first week of November, I sat down in his Office, sitting on the edge of the bed and my emotions were all over the place. He asked how I was doing, and I told him that my brain had been spinning for the last month, As hard as I tried to think of anything else, all I could think about was this. The Dr looked at me, and told me, that my Spinal Tap Test had come back positive for the proteins that they were looking for, that even though my evoked potentials test had come back inconclusive, the MRI and Spinal Tap were enough to give me a positive diagnosis. "At this point there is enough evidence you me to say that you have MS" I don't remember anything that was said after that, I walked out of his office alternating between tears, and calm. I had reviewed this possibility in my mind for three months by this point, but there was a small part of me holding on that this was temporary, that I would get past this. That part was now crushed, in my mind I was in a wheelchair, my career was over, and any plans I had for family, for growth, for me, was over, No more trying to get into the Saanich Fire Department, or Police Department... I was now a ghost, a Non-event and future dependent on a society that will judge me by the level of productivity my short career could allow me to provide. There are highs and lows in life, and this was definitely a low.
--------------
Odd that this poem makes me think of this period of my life. and still brings back such strong memories for me...I share this now not to make you sad, but to understand.... that some questions don't really matter to me any more... I have moved past this, but I have carried it, and will continue to.
Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot....
I am always asked if my training makes my condition worse, and my stock answer has been as of right now, it does not; in fact I believe that it makes me feel better. but I guess I can't really confirm any connection. I know it does not make me worse, and for now that belief is more important than anything else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)